“Samantha,” he says quietly, but I don’t stop.
“I sat on the toilet and begged for it to be negative, prayed to whoever would listen to me for it be negative. It wasn’t; it was positive, and he was so happy, or at least, that is what it felt like. And then two days later, the cramps started, and I woke up covered in blood. I knew what was happening. I knew that somehow I actually wished our baby away, and they took it.” I don’t even try to stop the sobs.
“Samantha,” he whispers, and I feel like he is so close. I feel like he is here holding me, and he isn’t. “These things happen.”[email protected]@@@[email protected]@@@@=======
“I know,” I say, my nose stuffed. “I know it was a sign, but I can’t help but think I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want it. I wasn’t the only one sending out that prayer.” I wipe my tears. “Did they want children together?”
He blows out. “Yes, every single time they were together, they talked about it. They were going to start trying next month.”
“What would he have done? How would he have been a father to that child and my children? How do you have two lives?”
“I don’t know, Samantha,” he says. “I don’t think anyone can answer that. I have to believe that one day, both worlds would have come crashing together, and he would be out two amazing women.”
I whisper, “I wonder if he loved me.” I blink, my eyes getting heavy. “I know he loved me, but was he in love with me or was I just there?”
“You’re killing me,” Blake says.
“I’m tired,” I finally say. “I think I’m going to go to bed. Thank you, Blake. For this, for listening to me, for answering me.” I don’t wait for him to answer. I just hang up the phone and drag myself to bed, cuddling into Daisy. I close my eyes, letting the blackness take me to sitting on a beach watching the waves crash to shore like where we went on our honeymoon. I feel his arms around me and look back to kiss him, but it isn’t Eric. Those blue eyes are green, the clearness now cloudy, and the smile belongs to Blake.
The next morning, we are all up at the same time. The girls sit around the table, and I’m opening the fridge when the doorbell rings. I walk to it and open it to see it’s Elliot. “Hey,” he says. “I brought doughnuts and figured I could visit with the girls.”
I step aside as he walks in. He’s never, not fucking once, rang that doorbell. He has a key and has used it ever since we moved in. “Did you forget your key?” I ask him.
“Nah, I just didn’t know if …” He stops talking, not sure what to say. “It’s been a weird couple of days.”
“Has it?” I answer him, putting the doughnuts on the table while the kids get up and run to him, telling him all about our girls’ weekend.
“Are you not going to Mom and Dad’s for Sunday lunch?” he asks me while the kids are eating.
“I’m not sure,” I say. “It got a little tense the other day, and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.”
“You’re family.” He smiles at me, and I look at him and shock him when I answer.
“Families take care of each other. Families hold and support each other, not watch one of their own being shoved down and beaten.”
“Sammie,” he finally says, “I should have …”
“Yeah, you should have, but you didn’t, so I get it. I’m really not family; I just married into it. My mistake.”
“Girls, do you want to stay home or go to Grandma and Grandpa’s?”
Daisy yells that she wants to go, while Lizzie says that she would rather just stay home. I look at her, not sure what is going on.
“Why don’t you take Daisy?” I tell Elliot. “And Lizzie and I will stay home and relax.”
He nods at us. “Sure thing. Sugar plum, go get dressed so we can go.”
I watch Daisy run up the stairs while Lizzie leaves the table to go upstairs to her room. “Dad is going to wonder why you aren’t there.” Elliot looks at me.
“Okay.” I shrug my shoulders. “Tell him I wasn’t feeling well. Tell him Lizzie didn’t want to go.”
“Sammie, he was just mad.”
I slap the table, angry now. “He fucking blamed me for Eric marrying someone else. Like if I would have fucked him seven days a week, it would have stopped him from going out and seeking someone else.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“How?” I throw up my hands. “How wasn’t it like that?”
He doesn’t have a chance to answer because Daisy comes skipping into the room.
“Ready freddy,” she says.
“Give mom a kiss,” Elliot says, and she turns and comes to me, kissing my lips.